Chapter 2: Daddy's Here

    "It's Daddy."

    A deep, imposing voice echoed, completely changing the atmosphere around. The underworld grim reapers in tuxedos bowed in respect, as did the spirits in line, who suddenly fell silent. Monnapha stunned since the Fate Rock had just declared her still alive, and she was even more stunned when she saw that the owner of that resonant voice was a black turtle. The turtle had big, round eyes with curly lashes that looked adorable and sported a neatly curled mustache under its nose.

    The turtle waddled forward with an air that was anything but ordinary, especially since it could speak and was dressed in a small necktie and a brightly colored Hawaiian shirt, pipe clenched stylishly in its mouth. A large snake wrapped around its shell wore a green, shiny sweater and sunglasses—a disastrous fashion statement.

    "Daddy brought this young lady here myself."

    "Master Xuanwu, this is against the rules. You must take her back before the God of Death finds out," the Fate Rock turned on its disco lights, flashing rapidly in dizzying colors. The black turtle, or Deity Xuanwu, did not care but merely puffed smoke from his pipe.

    "Don't worry, Daddy has already spoken with the God of Death. This girl must come with me... Little girl, Daddy’s going to show you something wonderful."

    The black turtle grinned at Monnapha, who backed up against the Fate Rock. At first, the divine turtle appeared small, but as he moved closer, he grew as large as a mountain, yet his footsteps were light because he floated on a golden cloud.

    "Oops, sorry, I forgot this place is a bit cramped."

    He then shrank down to the size of the Fate Rock. Despite his cute and innocent appearance, this black turtle was a follower of the star deity, Xuantian Shangdi of the northern constellation. The rank of the master of this turtle was not ordinary, only below Deity Pangu,[1] Sanqing[2], and Yuhuang Dadi [3]. Deity Xuanwu born from the combined energy of the sky and earth, he was revered as a deity of the northern constellation, part of the Four Symbols, which included the Green Dragon, Red Phoenix, White Tiger, and Black Turtle. Monnapha felt increasingly dizzy and thought she was going mad as she watched the turtle and the rock argue noisily.

    Indeed…

    She must be dreaming for sure, Monnapha thought, so she playfully rubbed the turtle's shell and plucked some nearby grass to offer it. "Bless me! I ask for some lucky numbers, three exact ones for once. If I win the lottery, I promise to study hard. I'm asking for permission to rub your shell, okay?"

    "Don't be silly, baby. Daddy’s Deity Xuanwu, a retainer of Master Xuantian Shangdi. This snake here was a demon subdued by Master Xuantian Shangdi and thus serves as a retainer as well. Enough wasting time; 'he' is waiting for you."

    "Who...who?"

    "Your future husband, of course. Handsome, robust figure, sharp facial features, strong, wealthy, tend to sulk a lot, the one that won’t leave no matter how much you push him away, and importantly, the one that still single. Master Xuantian Shangdi has personally ordered me to select one for you, ensuring you won’t be disappointed."

    "Wait, wait, wait! Slow down. Who... What... How... Why suddenly do I have to have a husband?"

    "Someone requested you from Master Xuantian Shangdi, and you also prayed for a spouse at the same time. It’s a perfect match. Daddy’s master thus supports you two.”

    Support?... What kind of support is this? It's clearly kidnapping.

    Monnapha rolled her eyes upward, her mind racing, trying to come up with a lottery number from this situation. Before she ended up in this bizarre dimension, she had indeed lit incense praying for a soulmate at a statue of a warrior deity—right hand holding a sword, left a black flag of Heilingqi, symbolizing the commander of the heavenly troops of the north, his feet stepping on a turtle and a snake. Monnapha couldn't read the Chinese characters inscribed with the deity’s name, but he seemed so formidable that she impulsively prayed for a tough, burly husband...

    "Can I retract my prayer now?"

    "No, Daddy’s master doesn’t have a policy for taking back blessings... Once given, it’s given. Don’t worry, I’ll take care of everything. All daddy’s kids get a fabulous partner." Deity Xuanwu sprinkled golden glitter everywhere for added credibility, then conjured a small sparkling rainbow marble, shrinking it into a necklace and forcefully put it on her like those pushy vendors at bus stops. Monnapha shook her head in refusal, but the black turtle deity forced it on her anyway.

    "Daddy’s giving you a great gift. This will act on my behalf. It protects against dangers, brings fortune, makes husbands adoring, and ensures wealth over and over. If you need anything, just spin this marble three times to the left, three times to the right, and shake it three times, and you’ll see results."

    Monnapha was dumbfounded.

    "No matter what urgency or disaster, a headache, a fever, a hot water burn, or even if you’re attacked, just use this all-purpose magical marble," the turtle talked to her face until his spit became bubbly. Monnapha half-listened, suspicious but without a chance to interject. Deity Xuanwu seemed to remember something and hurriedly conjured another magical item, fully maximizing his promotional deal.

    "Take this; it’s essential. Otherwise, you won’t understand a thing when you talk with your prospective husband."

    She felt dizzy listening. "Isn’t he Thai?"

    "For someone my status, I have to find foreign goods, darling."

    "I... I can speak English, thank you." Monnapha pushed back the magical item, but the divine turtle forcefully placed it back in her hand. The item resembled a lipstick tube, shimmering with golden mists, and emitted a pungent smell—not exactly pleasant but not foul either. Uncertain of its use, Monnapha attempted to apply it to her lips, prompting the deity to correct her.

    "It's not for applying."

    "Then what is it?"

    "This is a translation glue. Inhale from this stick, and you can go find the love of your life right away."

    What a degenerate turtle.

    Monnapha felt slightly dizzy from inhaling the glue. She did not want it. "Um... Lord… I appreciate your kindness, but I have no money."

    "Hey... Daddy giving it for free. Do you think Daddy is stingy? It’s very late already, hurry up and go find your future husband."

    "But... why does it have to be me?"

    "Do you already have a lover?"

    "Not yet. I've never had one." Speaking of which made her sad. She might have a 'husband' every time a new TV series aired.

    "Do you want someone to love, someone to cuddle up warm with at night? Someone handsome, muscular, who often strips, and carries you to bed? Oh... and he cooks delicious food, too."

    Just hearing about the wonderful qualities of this prospective husband sparked a gleam in Monnapha’s eyes. Such desirable attributes. If she really could cuddle him, she would hug him tight all night. But... the conventional norms of women restrained her, so she couldn't express too much outwardly.

    "What do you say?"

    "I don't want it."

    "Beep."

    The lie detector of the Fate Rock blared, prompting Monnapha to take a deep breath and then assert clearly, "I want this man!"

    "Good. Don't forget to use the magic item I gave you." Monnapha glanced down at the turtle-shaped marble pendant, while the bizarre translation glue seemed so derogative. Suddenly, a talking turtle was coaxing her into having a husband and offering this and that. Sigmund Freud said dreams reflect our desires. Monnapa started to feel nervous. Do I want a husband so much that I’m dreaming of this absurd thing?

    Since the dream was bizarre anyway, she decided to go all out. "Master Xuanwu, may I ask for one more blessing?"

    "What is it? If it's within Daddy’s power, Daddy will grant it."

    Monnapha pointed to her chest. "I want F cup. If not, I'm not going."

    "Done." With that word, the silicone in her bra was pushed out, and her small breasts swelled as if inflated, becoming voluptuous to her delight. Monnapha squealed with joy but was unaccustomed to the weight, she fell face-first. She tried cupping her soft breasts, grabbed and then released, repeatedly, they bounced like how she was always wish for. Perfect—no more silicone or push-up bras needed!

    "Thank you so much, Lord. This is exactly what I wanted!"

    "Even if you hadn't asked, Daddy would have had to conjure it because your future husband asked for a buxom woman. Ready now? Let's go."

    The black turtle chuckled, it seemed mischievous. The black turtle blew out his pipe smoke. It was swirling around the young woman, making her body levitate as if weightless. Then the large snake wrapped her securely to the turtle’s shell, immobilizing her. The previously noisy Fate Rock that shouted for her quieted down immediately when Deity Xuanwu handed over a thick stack of hell bank notes. The wretched stone tossed its megaphone aside. You brat.

    "Are you ready?"

    “I’m ready.”

    Monnapha smiled, planning to open a manual for lottery numbers as soon as she woke up. Deity Xuanwu waved goodbye to the Fate Rock, then used his divine sight to slice through dimensions, opening a portal. He was about to jump through when an elderly man with long white beard appeared unexpectedly.

    Monnapha guessed that the old man in the ancient purple and gold outfit must be the Turtle Elder, but she was wrong because the elderly man was stepping on a flock of cranes, gently landing with a dignified and solemn demeanor, fitting for a deity.

    "I am the Moon Elder," the old man introduced himself, stroking his long white beard thoughtfully, holding a hand mirror in his other hand. He watched over the human world, responsible for tying red threads for lovers and then sending cranes, which were his disciples, to cut the threads with their sharp beaks. Although Deity Xuanwu, a retainer of Xuantian Shangdi, held a higher status, the two had been drinking buddies for thousands of years and knew each other's secrets well.

    "Grandma Meng must be calling you."

    "Yeah! Every time I lose track, there's a baby turtle messing with my red threads! If you're that free, come help me spin the red threads," Moon Elder barked sharply. If glares could smack a turtle till death, he would smack. "Deity Xuanwu, look! This young woman is already destined for this young man."

    Moon Elder pointed his mirror at Monnapha’s pinky finger, revealing a red thread tied to a handsome young doctor, a high-value asset indeed. Monnapha had been single since kindergarten. Upon hearing insider information from Moon Elder, her heart raced, and she pinched herself to wake up. However, the black turtle used his divine sight to check and pushed Moon Elder’s mirror away.

    "Her fate is to be married only for three days before being killed by a mistress in a car accident. Not good at all."

    Monnapha exclaimed ‘Oh shit’, while Moon Elder stomped his foot and meticulously checked her fate before thrusting his magical mirror into Master Xuanwu's face, pushing his cheeks in.

    "If you take her to find a new partner, her fate will become that of a yingji."

    "What is a yingji?"

    "A concubine for a general, essentially a slave serving in bed. And the young man that this turtle picked has a thing this big!" Moon Elder raised his arm.

    What?! Drat.

    "That young man the turtle picked is legendary," Moon Elder stomped repeatedly. "It’s rumored that there isn’t a woman he hasn’t bedded with."

    "Every region, everyone," the cranes chorused as if singing in harmony. "He's a handsome player, strong and powerful, able to arouse any woman with just a flick of his finger, and he never remembers any of them."

    Monnapha was stunned. A playboy with a poor memory, who used his fingers inappropriately on women and had an attribute as big as an arm, a seducer of women from every realm. Everything of this man would be hers. Is this a kind of man that is chosen?

    "Don't listen to the old man. The young man Daddy picked is very handsome, muscular, a high-born royal lineage. He's a bit fierce, but really, he’s tender and cuddly, flirts from morning till night, oh don’t make Daddy go into details," the Turtle Deity whispered to Monnapha seriously. "Trust Daddy, I only offer the best things in life. You won’t be disappointed."

    "Beep."

    Everyone looked at each other as the lie detector sounded. Deity Xuanwu cleared his throat and restated with a serious demeanor, "Oh, young girl, this is an important mission."

    "Finding me a husband is that important?"

    "Heaven only assigns great tasks to great people," the Turtle Deity puffed up his chest as if inspiring music played around him, though everyone looked bored.

    "And why are you pushing this young man so much? How did you even get involved with my red thread? It’s her fate to be killed by a mistress after marriage. You shouldn’t interfere like this."

    Moon Elder stood with his hands on his hips, his long robe lifted to reveal fiery red stiletto heels—hot and sassy. Monnapha, shaken by the fate of her love life, momentarily forgot her sorrows upon seeing Moon Elder's stiletto heels, fixated instead on the brand of the shoes, enhanced by the sight of a turtle in a Hawaiian shirt and a necktie. Monnapha was increasingly baffled by the fashion sense of these deities.

    Both the Fate Stone, which had its mouth stuffed with hell bank notes, and Moon Elder were now intently pressuring Daddy Turtle. Deity Xuanwu then flicked his tobacco pipe left and right before exhaling a huge cloud of smoke.

    "That young man of mine is so pitiable, he’s lonely."

    "Beep."

    "He's a good person."

    "Beep."

    "Alright, alright, he saved the lives of three thousand of my wives and countless unborn eggs in their bellies," the black turtle deity finally confessed after the Fate Stone's lie detection system beeped repeatedly.

    "I need an unattached woman who can be herself. She must be beautiful, smart, strong, and not go mad with the changes."

    Monnapha raised her hand, asking with a life-weary look, "What changes?"

    "To withstand the changes when being tossed through time. An ancient woman would surely gone crazy. Thus, Daddy needs a clever woman from a more advanced era. Daddy chose you because you believe in the supernatural. Clearly, Daddy was right; look, you're not even slightly frightened by us."

    "But this is just a dream."

    "Trust me, this is more real than reality itself," Deity Xuanwu raised an eyebrow. "Daddy will handle everything; you don't need to worry."

    "Just like that, huh, Turtle? Watch out, you'll get it..."

    Moon Elder was fuming. He threw his hand mirror at the black turtle deity, who dodged swiftly. The mirror missed and shattered Grandma Meng's bowl of soup, scattering its contents. Spirits scattered, the Fate Stone managed to spit out the hell bank notes and immediately declared an emergency, flashing its siren lights, adding to the chaos.

    The Turtle Deity expanded his size until his shell hit the ceiling, while Moon Elder also transformed, matching his size before they began to fire laser beams at each other. The ceiling, pillars, and floor shook and crumbled as dust filled the air.

    "Take your fight elsewhere!!"

    "Call the Arintaraj SWAT of the underworld now! Hurry! Gather every unit," the Fate Stone blasted heavy metal music and shouted through the megaphone, "Clear the area. Clear the area."

    Just last night, Monnapha watched Ultraman with her nephew. Yes... It must be, she must have inadvertently remembered the scene of Ultraman fighting a giant turtle and incorporated it into her dream. As Deity Xuanwu was occupied, a flock of cranes swooped in to lift Monnapha, who was bound by the demonic snake, but Deity Xuanwu, despite his massive size, dodged agilely. The underworld shook with thunderous violence, and Monnapha was thrown from the turtle's back, screaming at the top of her lungs. Just as she was about to crash into the Fate Stone, Turtle Deity elegantly stepped in to catch her.

    "She has to go back."

    "No! To be slaughtered by a mistress? She must go with Daddy; I promised the young man. Master Xuantian Shangdi has approved!!"

    "But her red thread of fate is in the present era, you lustful turtle! No matter how powerful you are, you can't defy fate. I beg you, just keep your weird ideas to your drunken gatherings!" Moon Elder stomped his foot angrily, trying to reclaim Monnapha. If the black turtle was allowed to follow his whims, the balance between heaven and earth would be disturbed. Moon Elder, thus whistled commands, urging the flock of cranes to jointly attack the demonic snake, while he himself pulled up his robe and stomped his stiletto heels on the turtle's shell. Deity Xuanwu refused to yield, firmly biting Moon Elder's leg as they broke into a frenzied fight.

    "Calm down, calm down, please! Calm down! Damn it! I beg you. Can anyone please ask for my consent first?!"

    Monnapha never imagined that her beauty would cause deities to wage war over her to this extent. The demonic snake, repeatedly struck, grew angry. It released itself from Monnapha and leapt at the flock of cranes, unleashing its power in a wild fury.

    "This kind of chaotic dream means I won't get the lottery numbers right. Stop it! Just stop!"

    "Hey, don't mess things up! Daddy might squash you flat right now," Deity Xuanwu, blinded by rage, backed into Monnapha, causing her to lose her balance due to the weight of her F cup chest and roll down into the dimensional portal that Deity Xuanwu had left open.

    "Yee-ha!" Deity Xuanwu shouted joyfully. "The girl jumped to meet Daddy’s boy herself, see? Daddy’s done here. See you again tomorrow, young Moon Elder."

    "Wait a minute," Moon Elder tried to grab the turtle's tie but was too slow, and the demonic snake disappeared along with him. All that was left was the Fate Stone lying tilted among the flock of cranes lying sprawled, their feathers scattered, and the pot of Grandma Meng's soup spilled all over. The spirits huddled together in fear.

    When the God of Death arrived to settle the matter personally, Moon Elder got a full reprimand and was even being put on a probation by Yuhuang Dadi. Moon Elder, furious, tore up his scroll of red threads in frustration.

    "I'll leave it at that for now, you troublesome turtle. I will reclaim that girl!"

[1] The patriarch deity of the Chinese nation, the deity who created the world.

[2] Sanqing (三清) refers to the highest supreme deity masters of Taoism.

[3] The Jade Emperor.